Most people are buried in suits and stuff so a zombie apocalypse would be a formal event. Why aren’t iPhone chargers called apple juice? 44. If phones warned that listening at a high volume may cause damage to headphones instead of hearing, more people would probably keep their volume lower. I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen. Batman would look ridiculous trying to solve crimes outside during a sunny day. The first person to say the word cool must have been really cool because everyone started saying it. I wish we had the ability to dream together with other people. Anakin Skywalker over the course of 6 movies lost 5 of his 4 limbs in 3 duels. If steroids are illegal for athletes then photoshop should be illegal for models. If humans could fly, we’d consider it exercise and never do it. Shower Thoughts: If Hillary Clinton wins in 2016, it will be the first time that two presidents have had sex with each other. It’s weird how it’s socially acceptable to put someone else’s genitals in your mouth, but eating a dorito off the floor after a few seconds is gross 33. Family Guy is 90 percent Seth MacFarlane talking to himself. When a pregnant woman swims, she is a human submarine. There should be an optional “people are sleeping” button on the microwave to stop from all the extra loud beeping. Shower thought: Your stomach thinks all potato is mashed. Being attracted to your own flaccid penis would be the worst fetish ever. If job ads say “must be fluent in Mandarin” why don’t they post the entire ad in Mandarin, that way only genuinely fluent people could apply? 27. I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works. If Katniss and Peeta from “Hunger Games” were Hollywood celebrities, their supercouple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss. The person who would proofread Hitler’s speeches was a grammar nazi. If you step on people’s feet, they will open their mouths just like trash bins. Shower Thought: Why do people say “tuna fish” when they don’t say “beef mammal” or “chicken bird”? 22. You see people every day that you’ll never see again. What was the first guy to milk a cow trying to do? 20. The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew on their army knife. If I’m lucky, my internal organs will never see the light of day. Ellen should give away more stuff like Oprah and rename her show Ellen de Generous. People who are allergic to dust are allergic to themselves. Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor’s appointment.
I will be the last person to die in my lifetime. The word “FAT” just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word “EAT.” 13. Clapping your hands is like high fiving yourself. Why did people invent the box if they want to think outside of it? 11. The only time the word “incorrectly” isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly. Maybe “Smith” is a common surname because blacksmiths were never forced to serve in combat roles during war time. If you did something “like a boss,” you’d probably just pay someone else to do it. He doesn’t actually have any superpowers at all, He’s just a normal guy that everyone thinks is a superhero. There should be a superhero called placebo-man. If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich. Thanks to the Internet, I have probably seen more naked ladies than all of my ancestors combined. When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow. If tomatoes are fruit then ketchup is jam. Shower Thought: “The witches from Sabrina having a cat called Salem is like a Jewish family with a cat called Auschwitz”.
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